How to solve problems associated with being a gay?
Q : I am a homosexual, I am gay and I do not know what to do about it. I am having relationships with 20-25 boys and I am getting very frustrated since even if I want to get out of this situation, I cannot. This is because they now blackmail me that they will inform my family. Please help me to solve this problem. He also asks that what my fault is if I am gay. If I am, I am. Society does not accept this; the family does not accept this. So what can I do? I am very troubled.
Answer See, we will understand it in this way. These things are not openly talked about and I can see from your faces that you are very much shocked to hear this from me. But I can definitely talk on this subject. Let us understand the human mind. Let us understand the progression which the human mind makes.
1. From the time of birth, the first love the child has it with itself. This is stage one. You will see if you have ever observed a small child growing up in your house that the child loves its own self and the symptoms of this are that if it wants food, it is shouting and shrieking that give me first. If he wants his mother, then he is shrieking and shouting that leave all other work, first give me attention. In the beginning, the child loves itself. The child is trying to make friendship with its own body. Have you seen the child sucking its own thumb? You too had been doing it, right? But now you do not do it, why? You may say that it has not got a nipple or a soothie that is why it puts its thumb into its mouth. Try giving him a nipple, he will remove it and still stick his thumb in. Because the thumb is warm and hot. The human body is missing in the plastic nipple. Nature has made the child so wise that if the mother keeps putting the nipple in the mouth, it realizes that how long it can keep resisting. So it finally accepts it. At the same time, whenever it is possible, the child will throw the nipple away and put its thumb in its mouth.
2. Have you seen that small babies are often playing with their genitals? Elders say - what are you doing? Don’t do it. You are not supposed to put your hands there. In the child’s brain, it feels if I can touch my feet with my hand, why cannot I touch this part? If the child is roaming about naked, it makes no difference to it. The elders say, now you are grown up, wear shorts. People say, ‘Shame Shame’ and the child starts understanding it subconsciously that this is my one part which is to be hidden from everyone and if I touch this part, then I have to wash my hand. Third, I should not be touching this. We are putting this guilt in the child’s mind about touching its body. The child needs to explore. If you give it a toy, he tries to break it and make a post-mortem of it. He is trying to learn. The parents do not understand and slap him. They say, we will not give you any toys, you keep breaking them. Such parents are wise who are happy at the breaking of a toy and feel that the child is intelligent. But often the child is punished for doing this. Or they will buy such a toy which does not break. They may buy a wooden one. How can he break the wooden toy? But the child tries to chew the wooden toy as well to find out how to open it. Whether he is successful or not, is a different thing. Each and every child - be it homosexual, gay or not, loves itself.
3. Then, with age, the child starts understanding the difference between its body and others’. Coming to this stage, you will have more affinity to the person of the same sex. Girls will be happy to be with girls and boys will be happy to be with boys. This is very natural. It is not necessary that there is society’s embargo and rules. That is why this kind of behaviour is seen. In America and England, where there is no such system of keeping boys and girls separately but there also it was seen that from the age of eight or nine till the age of thirteen or fourteen, girls like to sit with girls only and boys like to sit with boys only. They begin to have more affinity and more friendship towards the same sex because they think alike. Their games and choices are also different. Even very young girls are concerned about their makeup, frocks, ribbons and shoes. At this age also, they are worried about their beauty and beauty accessories. Look at boys, most of the time they are concerned about cars and games in which they can throw out their rage. This is stage two. As soon as the body starts changing, when puberty begins, there is secretion of hormones in one’s body. In a woman’s body, oestrogen and progesterone starts increasing and in the body of girls, testosterone in the body of boys and they start getting beards and moustaches. At first, when the moustache comes, he feels odd that what is growing. But because he has seen his father, uncles and grandfather, that they have beards and moustaches, sometimes he may be happy that I have also started getting a moustache. And those boys who do not get a beard even after crossing the age of eighteen, they go into deep depression because he is made fun of by saying, “Haven’t you got a beard yet?” If he hasn’t got a beard, he hasn’t got any intelligence as well. They make a connection between the two. As if it’s the same thing and as if, bearded men are very intelligent. The male and female bodies begin to differ now at the level of chemicals. There are going to be changes in both their bodies.
Now the interest in the opposite sex will begin. This is stage three. No one thinks that when oestrogen and testosterone is going to start in me. If a girl feels good and happy if a boy wants to be friends with her and vice versa. Because of exposure to movies etc, the age of attraction is falling. This change is not at the level of the body but also in the mind. There is an irritation and frustration or rage as the body is going through changes. The teenagers have to suffer as their parents and teachers cannot make out what is wrong. They become disobedient and do not work properly. The parents should be supportive and understand what they are going through. The shastras say that from the age of twelve, yoga practice should start. Surya namaskaras, forward bending, and backward bending and side bending asanas. In this way when you are doing a set of yogasanas and pranayam, these chemicals being released in your body will be compatible with you. You will not feel emotionally upset due to the new chemicals. The third angle of these changes and attraction to the opposite sex that you do not know what is happening. The rising of sex energy happens. You want to go beyond friendship. This is a very normal thing. But everything is good at an appropriate time. You may now understand that in early days, marriages were arranged in teenage. The reason was that once you have a partner in your life, your mind will be focused on your partner. Though the marriage was sometimes solemnized at 11 or 12, the girl was sent some years later to her in-laws’ house. At this age, people have great urge for sex. That is why they were married off early. Without marriage, he will look for sexual alliances. In a heterosexual relationship, society has no objection. They do say that this is not the time for marriage, concentrate on your studies etc. They say once you are settled we will get you married. This is a separate issue.
Let us rewind to the first stage when the child loves itself. Second stage when the child loves the same sex. The third stage is of opposite sex attraction. These are the normal stages which you are going to go through. In the case of homosexuals, right from stage one, they came into stage two, but they could not go to stage three. There are many reasons for this. First reason, the accessibility of a boy to a boy is more than a boy to a girl. It is easier for a boy to be friendly with a boy than with a girl. In small places, they start going for dates and movies, but it is still difficult. The boy - boy bonding is easier than the girl girl bonding. When the sexual urge is too much, especially for boys because of testosterone is very forceful. So it is difficult for a boy to control himself compared to a girl. Also, society does not give much freedom to girls as to boys. So, when the urge is too much, the boys go for masturbation. The urge is too strong and he helps himself to come out of the urge. The boys speak to each other about it and at times, they are very close and become together in this act and leads to physical relationship. They were not born gay but due to same sex affinity, there is a great opportunity for them. If he feels happy, he will say I do not need girls. The mind gets used to this idea. But all society does not accept this relation. In India, it is still illegal. There is another reason why boys become gay and girls become lesbians and that is preference. When you have more feminine bent in your mind, you will have more affinity with men. Likewise, it is in women. Others feel thrilled to break rules. Fourth reason, psychologists say the part of the brain which thought normal developed wrongly. Child loves itself, same sex and opposite sex. But our saints speak of the fourth state, i.e. celibacy. It does not mean you have controlled your sex urge. You have gone beyond these stages. As long as you do not get something, you are attracted to it. Once you get it, you do not have any attraction for it. In India, you will not find women in bikinis etc normally. But in the USA etc, you will find very few fully clothed persons in beaches etc. Their countries are cold, so they do sun bathing in minimal clothing. But nobody looks at them. The charm is not there as it is so common. Homosexuality is hidden and taboo as well as illegal in society. But the mind will take thrill in breaking rules and having pleasure. If you do not have guidelines, the mind of an eighty year old is still having urges. But those who are in sadhana – spiritual practice, with these guidelines, they reach the point of celibacy.
If you want to eat sweets, you cannot be satisfied with one episode of eating sweets. Similarly, sex gives you bondage or slavery. Sex gives you pleasure. If the sexual does not arise in your body, how will humanity increase? We need to understand that sex is not bad but everything should be done in a system. A boy and girl fall in love, get married and run away. Just be realistic. Why are they getting married? For sex. This is true, right? After a few years, children are born, there is no source of income, the boy has been disowned by his family. They do not have a house to live in, no food to eat, how long will the romance continue? This is the reality. Then they fight. Either they will survive or they will get separated. One of the two things will happen. It is said that the average of failed love marriages is seventy percent. In the absence of a good career and good economic stability, relationships fail. Second thing, at the time of teenage crush, the boy and girl do not think logically, they only think of their physical needs. There is an old proverb, ‘he was mad after the fair skin, did not look at the brains’. The one who was looking was only looking at the fair skin; he was not interested in brains. These relationships become bitter and problematic. The sages of old said that before going into relationships with others, first make yourself understand. Try to understand your weaknesses. Learn how to control your body and mind. If you cannot manage your mind, you cannot manage any relationship. That is why our venerable acharyas asked us to chant the Gayatri Mantra at dawn. Sound vibrations are produced with mantra japa and these sound vibrations balance our brain. Two universities in Australia did this research that while chanting Om, Gayatri or Om Namah Shivayah, they took the EEG of people. The more one chanted, the more they were able to suffer pain. They were cool, stable and were able to analyse well. People who were not Hindus and who did not have the bias of chanting Om mantra, were asked to do so. Those who asked about it, were told this is a scientific vowel. Please chant it. Those who did it were, pre and post operation, more calm and less anxious. A person having a heart attack, a stroke or high blood pressure becomes very disturbed and scared from inside. What will happen to my family and job? My life will end. To get rid of all these fears, the doctors in the hospital asked them to chant.
Two years ago, I was invited to a hospital in Wales where I asked them to meditate and more importantly, chant Om and after two years, they tell me that they have been able to solve many drug addiction cases with the help of chanting. They made heart and blood pressure/anxious patients practice this in the hospital and slowly, they have got rid of their medicines. What I mean to say is that our forefathers had very deep understanding when they asked us to prepare our body and mind before going into any relationship. The urge is there, the thrill to break the rule is there, then you can do it easily, no one can stop you. Do your parents know what you are doing? No. But you know what you are doing. You know what you are doing and specially, when it concerns your body, it becomes more difficult to manage that. When our mind is free and chemicals are running inside our body, we are then masturbating and is not a surprising thing. To become a homosexual is not a surprising thing. Even to go into a heterosexual relationship is not a surprising thing. Its nothing to be surprised. But is it right or wrong? I say this definition is made by society. And society’s definitions change from time to time. Today, in California, USA they have passed a rule that same sex marriages are permissible. Thousands of lesbians and gays have gone there and got married. It is allowed in Germany. One state of America has given permission, tomorrow another will give it, day after tomorrow others will follow suit. Slowly, in maybe ten years, no one will be surprised if two men come and say, they say we are partners, they do not say we are husband and wife. Partner I and Partner 2. That is how they get themselves married. Instead of saying, I take so and so as my wedded husband or wife, they say I take Partner no.1 and Partner no.2. They do not look down upon it. Is it good or is it bad? I would say it is nothing. But anything which is making you fearful, scared and a psychiatric case, cannot be good. It can definitely not be good.
From stage one to stage two to stage three and finally to stage four. In stage four, neither do you love your own body, neither with the same sex body nor with the opposite sex body and the whole love has gone towards God. And why has it gone, because he has understood that we are not the body, neither man nor woman. So with whom do we make allegiance, friendship and alliances? With God, and is God a man or a woman - neither of the two. He is body less. I had asked you people that why do you eat? For pleasure. In the same way, why is sex? For pleasure. Why is masturbation? For pleasure. Why is there a gay relationship? For pleasure. You are looking just for happiness. With knowledge, science and sadhana, when you obtain this joy and bliss inside you, and so much that even the ocean falls short, then receiving a few sparks or drops of pleasure from a body, he says he does not want to spend his strength and time. Getting a man or woman to agree to date, have a relationship or marry is not such an easy thing. Look at boys roaming around schools and colleges in their motorcycles; stands and stares at girls; keeps thinking if someone looks at me. So much time is being wasted. I do not disagree that this attraction exists. It is natural, it is normal. If a boy or girl does not have this attraction, then there is something wrong. It should be checked why it is so. Is there some mental phobia or some physical problem? In homes where parents fight a lot, children run away from relationships or marriage, it is like hell to them.
