I am in a dual state of mind because of my foolishness

Q : Jai Gurudev....

Twenty two years have passed like a whisker and I can see rest of years fading in the black hole. I see myself as a defeated warrior striving for my life and surrounded on all sides but incarnations of lust, greed, insincerity, impatientness, frustration who have formed an alliance and are continuously pinning me to death. Gurumaa the worst part is that every time I want myself to be changed these devils come and divert my mind. Like when ever I sit for meditation Mr. Impatience keeps visiting me regularly sometimes saying me "Shashank your Back is paining" and sometimes " Shashank its of no use"... and ultimately leaves a message that Shashank kuch hua tho hai nahi .....u wasted an hour..... Insincerity comes as a chain reaction of this frustration and makes me to postpone my meditation sitting. Mr. Lust is well know to talk about. Though am quite happy that greed does not have its roots too firm in the soil but yes competitiveness has....... Gurumaa what I want to ask is that I know these all vices are in me and it is only me who is watering them and providing them sapid food for their nourishment. I am aware that these vices wont go in a day and will take some years to disappear and will go by seva, satsang and meditation. But I am not getting the start....how can I inculcate patience in me? How can I be sincere? What can I do to have a determination in me as solid as a rock? How can I remove the worm of casuality? I am not able to do it merely by listing..... Many divines had some event in their lives that made them think different from others. Like the carcass which King Ashoka saw.....etc...So is it correct for me to look for some event which can change my life. But isn't it a waste of time? Gurumaa I don’t know what I have written.... I am in a dual state of mind because of my foolishness and I seek thy blessings and guidance. Plz forgive me for any mistake in the letter.

Jai Gurumaa
Shashank Aggarwal
Chandigarh

Answer

Come to live in ashram and learn basic yoga and it will help you to come out of this delusional stage.

Gurumaa

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Tags: competitiveness, divine, frustration, greed, guidance, lust, seva